Kingdom Of Style

Take A Jump

So it is with glee I read that jumpsuits are back. No doubt Queen Marie wept into her egg roll as this horrific news reached her. But not me. I simply LOVE jumpsuits in all their difficult and challenging splendor. For jumpsuits fortune only the brave... and the thin.

I won't lie - very few can wear one with aplomb. You MUST be bulge-less and any well intended friend who tells you that your huge, fat ass looks good squeezed into that PPQ all-in-one is lying through her teeth. Nope, these bad boys are exceptionally hard to wear and if you are anything but fat free you risk looking like an escaped mental patient or an over-grown baby. But if you are of the physique to wear one, then a black, slim fitting, ankle length version is most desirable. Teamed with a thick belt the look is subtle and sexy. I don't think the look will find it's way too much into the high street to be honest. You will however find the odd ridiculous terry towelling version in New Look no doubt, but other than that only the more fashion forward shops will attempt to sell them. Shops like No-one in London stock the fabulous PPQ who always feature a jumpsuit somewhere in each collection, and I reckon Topshop will also do one. But if you are going to try please, please stay away from a denim one. Unless you're featured in a Hip Hop video (or are Kimora Lee Simmons), denim jumpsuits are not an option!

Jumpsuits lovelies are Alison Goldfrapp who rocks the all-in-one like no other, sword swinging Uma Thurman in Kill Bill (although one may wish to avoid canary yellow in any sort of trouser attire but especially the jumpsuit) and of course the punk princess Blondie. If Audrey Hepburn was a punk she'd have worn a black jumpsuit.

With those role models, why WOULDN'T you want to wear one?

Queen Michelle

‘It’s Fashion Darling, Never Say Never...’

As a woman and a monarch it is my unassailabe right to ridicle any given item of clothing to do a total volte face in the space of a week, as something miraculously goes from looking very wrong to very right!!!

However there are some things, especially on men, which are unalterable fashion crimes and will never change.

1. Short sleeved V neck t shirts (especially if there is chest hair trying to escape)
2. Waistcoats, of any description (gL consider this fair warning)
3. Vest tops (even you dear jonnie, even you!)

Punishment from simple ridicule to imprisonment in the tower could be easily avoided by the donning of a simple long sleeved plain t shirt...

Queen Marie

To Hoard It, Or To Heave It, That Is The Question...

Writing this from a palace where the kitchen cupboards are filled with shoes, it is not too difficult to guess what camp I fall into.

Queen Michelle on the other hand is ruthless and her subjects at the P.D.S.A., both human and canine are much better off for it.

Queen Marie

Get Them Out Of My Sight...

Knitwear with short sleeves - impractical and ugly, addressing neither form nor function

The foul flood of free magazine tote and make up bags - ugly , sad, little plastic scraps that smell of solvents and cheap screenprinting .

Denim mini skirts - not so much Daisy Duke as pole dancing little troll

Trilby Hats - is your name Miss Marple? hmmm I thought not...

Ankle Boots and Boiler suits - I’m loosing the will to live but it pains me to tell you that Queen Michelle has shown a continued weakness for such items. Regardless of the abuse I heap upon her head they keep on coming. Oh how I hate ankle boots - make your mind up already, do you want to wear shoes or boots. Just pick one and give my eyes a rest...

Queen Marie

It’s Day Will Come...

One of the most important pieces of advice I will ever give you is this - if you love something, buy it now, RIGHT NOW!!!!

No going away and thinking it over. If you love it, it doesn’t matter where you are going to wear it, what you are going to wear it with or even when in hell you are going to wear it...Don’t buy it and you are opening yourself up to a world of pain and hurt.

IT IS NEVER THERE when you go back, even if it has lain undisturbed and untouched by human hands for months on end. Foolish is the girl who thinks - ‘no one will ever buy it’. You will race into town first thing the next day only to be greeted by a sickening gap on the rail.

Believe me, the gap in your heart will never be filled.

You may choose to ignore it or try to fill it with something else but this is fashion folly at it’s most tragic.
Many garments have lived for many years ( and many still do) on my rails and in my wardrobes waiting for ‘their day to come’.

It always does and come that day and come that hour there is no sweeter feeling in the whole world than the leap of your heart as you think , Iv’e got just the thing’...

Queen Marie

Show A Bit Of Ankle

Much to Queen Marie's horror I've been loving ankle boots for several years now. This pair or that periodically appear in my fashion wish book and she always pokes her finger at them accusingly and screws up her face. Whenever I wear my little Victorian black eyelet ones she always, with fail, shouts "please sir, can I have some more?" which is her cheeky reference to their similarity to those worn by Oliver Twist. Cow. But I cannot deny my love of the the 80's shoe shape de jour and now that they are a key trend this Fall I'm set to amass even more pairs of them. Ha! Oh how I cleverly exact my revenge on the evil Queen!

Of course Topshop are filtering the look to great effect sporting the best of the ankle boot style on the high street. Faith are also doing a great Chloe-esque version with the Saon, (which I've been wearing). At the high end there's the gorgeous Louboutin Lastic boot which would look so great with cropped cigarette pants. Others of note are the Stuart Weitzman for Russell & Bromley, which combine the ankle boot shape with another key trend, the platform.

Queen Michelle

Clockwise: Scorah Pattullo, Topshop, Topshop and Christian Louboutin

It’s Time For A Super Skinny Embargo...

Reading with horror the arrival of the 00, it struck me once again the full extent of our obsession with all things surface.

These incredible shrinking women do have an obsession with inches, but not necessarily the ones you would think. Their deeper obsession is with column inches, press coverage and front covers.

The smaller they become the larger the coverage that is given to them, and that is what they seek the most. For whatever reasons , which I don’t want to go into here, be it self esteem or sheer selfish vanity, they seem to only want to look at themselves when the mirror is held up by the worlds press.

Thinking about it, it is astonishing at how much time and energy these women devote to NOT doing something. Whole swathes of their lives will be taken up by not eating and living life in a normal way. Not only is it self-obsession gone mad but in the case of someone like Victoria Beckham it is staggeringly selfish.

As a mother she has a duty of care to be healthy and to stick around as long as she can for her children. These women are under the threat of a shorter life expectancy. It is a price they seem willing to pay to squeeze into smaller jeans.

What we need is to take a super nanny approach to these super skinny horrors. Like a child who is threatened with the naughty step and then ignored until their behaviour improves, its time we did the same with these bags of bones.

Do what you like girls but we’re not going to watch anymore and we are certainly not going to devote any more coverage on you. Go and eat some pies, have a think and come back to see me when you have an arse we can try to kick some sense into...

Queen Marie

Vena Cava

Don't know much about this label other than it's owned by two Brooklyn-based designers, Lisa Mayock and Sophie Buhai. I love the simplicity of the shapes combined with interesting little details on necklines. Cute jersey dresses, pretty florals and a lovely muted colour palette. Nice.

Queen Michelle

Jean Jeanie

As Queen Marie will testify to I am a jeans fanatic. I've given more pairs of jeans to charity shops than most people own in a lifetime. I'm a insatiable jeans whore - I'll try any style, shape, cut or colour. I am loyal to no brand and I will fall in love with any given pair for any length of time until one day, without any prior notice or tell-tale signs, I'll drop 'em as quickly as Paris Hilton drops her scanties! Suffice to say when there's a new jean in town, I'm gonna want to meet her.

Well there's two jeans in town: the high-waisted and the 'boyfriend'.

Not My Boyfriend
I shall begin with the 'boyfriend'. During my early 20's I virtually lived in 'boyfriend' jeans. I couldn't get enough of those loose, baggy fit denims that barely hung onto my skinny, youthful hips. I loved the fact I could sit with my legs open in a completely uncouth fashion and if I chewed gum at the same time I could exude that kind of nonchalant yet rebellious attitude that only only a 20-something can. Indeed they served me well. My early days of DJing saw me rely on these jeans as I felt the boyishness of my clothing helped me get taken seriously as a Proper DJ Who Can Mix Records. But, those days are gone and I really must admit that as a 33 year old, 'boyfriend' jeans are rather difficult to carry off. I occasionally try them on and I can't shake the feeling that I look like someone trying to cling to youth, which is bizarre as I normally wear clothes befitting someone much younger, but somehow I can't get over how wearing them makes me feel...well, old. But if you're of the age or confidence to carry off this style I will say that 'boyfriend' jeans look gorgeous with a plain tank, some cute ballet pumps and with a nice scarf threaded through the belt loops you're good to go...and don't forget the gum.

Totally Waisted
When I first saw the high waisted style I was dubious. It reeked of pregnancy jeans to me, all that was missing was the elasticated waist band. But then, slowly I warmed to the idea. I think the thought of having no muffin top or exposed arse crack every time I sat down was appealing, as was looking like I had long lithe legs, so armed with that incentive I went tried on some suitably high waisted jeans and I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised. I have a rather androgynous figure and happily so, I have never thought about what it would be like to be curvy, but when I slipped into a pair of Acne Walker jeans which come with attached braces (suspenders to those in the US) a strange thing happened - I got junk in my trunk! Appeared a defined waist and gone was the muffin top! These jeans made me look...sexy! I felt like Marilyn in the Misfits instead of Iggy in the Stoogies. It was a small miracle. I actually liked looking curvy and felt at once softer and more girly, yet these jeans still have a cool edginess which is a must before any denim will grace my derrier. I'm a convert. Whilst my skinny's still reign supreme I can now see past them. I can now envisage myself slipping on high waisters and not feeling the urge to eat coal.

Queen Michelle

Left to right: Acne Tube, Acne Walker, 18th Amendment

There She Blows

Every fashionista worth her Louboutins adores the fervour with which Isabella Blows approaches fashion and dressing. Her signature style of wearing an array of fantastical hats is well known, as is her dyed black hair, severe bob and blood red lippie. Her fashion credentials are impressive, it being her we have her to thank for discovery of the fabulous Alexander McQueen.

As much as I hugely admire her (it does take some kind of balls to go out of the house looking like that after all) I wonder though, would she approach fashion in such a spirited manner were it not for the glittering social circles she moves in? I highly doubt that if I were to approach style in the same way I'd make it from end of an average Glasgow street to the other, without getting my Philip Treacy hat stomped on...whilst my head was in still in it.

Does where you live or come from affect the way you dress?

I believe your post-code hugely affects how you dress and whilst Isabella associates herself with equally minded, and equally eccentric people, she can wear whatever the hell she likes as there will always be someone who looks dafter. But for the rest of us mere mortals, some of whom, like me, live in cities with knife or gun crime figures as huge as Nicole Richie's credit card bill, we would probably be running the gauntlet everytime we left our house to go and buy a loaf of bread.

I would love to be more adventurous with my clothing but the simple fact is, I'm too scared. And it has nothing to do with confidence. I just really couldn't be doing with all the verbal and possible physical abuse that would come part and parcel with being an avant gard dresser. Glasgow, albeit a fabulously varied and stylish city, still has a degree of small town mentality upheld by the subhuman 'neds' that have proclaimed all rights to the streets and therefore who shall walk unhindered from one to the another. And I know if I stepped out in feathery little number I most definitely would not be one of those unhindered few. Maybe it's just Glasgow, after all it is the murder capital of Europe and not without good reason. Perhaps no-one else feels or experiences the same.

But until things change, or I move towns, I shall live vicariously through Isabella.

Queen Michelle